Hmmmm... I guess I'm afraid of never finding my one true love and living happily ever after. I know it sounds childish but underneath this tough girl exterior, *snicker, I am all smooshy and romantical. I don't expect to have everything be perfect and drama free. I want a healthy, honest, loving relationship.
Dating hasn't been the easiest activity I've partaken in. I had been out of the dating loop for fourteen years. I tried internet dating and that was so awful. The guys I encountered never seemed to want to get to know me. They cut right to the chase and just wanted sex. It started to affect my self esteem, like is that all I'm worth? So, I deleted my accounts. It's kind of hard to meet men the "old fashioned" way. It's not like I go out to bars and clubs. I'm a momma for Pete's sake! I'm so busy working and taking my babies here and there. The men I do meet, from my children's activities, are happily married or are in relationships.
I'm a patient woman and I'm not desperate. I can wait but in the mean time I'd love to just go out to dinner and just hang out with someone. I have friends that I love dearly and when I can, I definitely hang out with them. I'm talking about a more intimate relationship. Someone who wants to cuddle or walk hand in hand. To get an awesomely big yummy hug from. Someone I can share my dreams and aspirations with. Even vent a wee bit, when I've had a hard day...
*sigh I know that's a lot to ask for. It seems to me that not to many folks want to be that available or that vulnerable. It's scary, I know. I'm so afraid too! Maybe that's another thing I'm scared of. Being vulnerable and open and susceptible of getting hurt. I'm afraid of taking it to the next level and possibly losing that friendship. What if it doesn't work out?
Being single isn't scary... Going into a relationship scares the shit out of me! I failed in my last one, not that it was entirely my fault. I know what qualities in a man I am looking for. I am afraid, I may screw it up. I keep saying this. I've shared my concerns with my friends and confidants. They believe in me. I kind of believe in me. The strong woman in me can do it but the scared little girl needs reassurance. I know that we would need to communicate and be open to suggestions. I just don't want to fall back in to my old patterns of being defensive and afraid to give my opinions.
I trust myself to find the practically perfect man for me. I am aware of my bad decisions when it comes to dating. I know I'm worth it! Again, I am extremely patient and am in no great rush. When the time is right, I don't think I will have any doubt's about going into a relationship. (I hope. Fingers crossed.)
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